Over the past few months, I’ve been letting some of my close friends that know I write erotica and a sex blog. Three friends, to be exact.
I wasn’t surprised by their reactions.
One was incredibly interested and supportive. His initial reaction way, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Then again, he writes erotica and at one time led a sex and spirituality discussion thread on the Literotica message boards.
The other two, well … haven’t said anything.
Then there’s my lover, Parrot, who reads and loves every post.
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Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for sharing my experiences and advocacy for sex-positivity under cloak and dagger on my blog and in social media. Part of it is because the small sampling of reactions that I’ve gotten so far. It hasn’t been a great confidence booster.
I thought I’d break the ice by posting a video of one of Debby Herbenick’s TEDx talks, Making Sex Normal, on my personal Facebook page with the following comment: “If 70% of adults have sex on a regular basis, why don’t we talk about sex? I don’t mean jokes, but meaningful conversations? These are conversations we need to have without shame, fear, embarrassment and judgment.”
Within the first hour, only one friend, my “interested and supportive” friend, commented on my post.
Then I got a call from my 71-year-old mother.
“What is that video you put on your Facebook page?” she said. “And why are you and your boyfriend talking about this in front of everyone?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said.
I knew this would shock her. Ever since I was in high school, she could never understand how I could be “just friends” with boys and men. Several times she had told me that being friends with men was wrong and inappropriate, especially if they were married … or in my friend’s case, blissfully in love with a former girlfriend from college who has recently come back into his life.
It wasn’t as if we were we were trying so seduce or sexually arouse each other for everyone to see on Facebook. We were talking about sex pretty much the same way we talk about things like food, beer or baseball.
I could tell my mother was really disturbed, agitated and embarrassed that I would openly discuss sex with a male friend.
She finally said, “You should take that down. It’s inappropriate. And your boss could see that. People lose their jobs over Facebook posts like that.”
Evidently, the point I was trying to make was lost on my mom. So much for coming out to the people in my world about being a sex blogger and erotica writer.
So why are people so ashamed and embarrassed to talk about sex?
I can see why we might not want to talk about porn with friends. Let’s admit it, most porn sex is nothing like the sex we know, enjoy and perform in our everyday lives. A lot of what I’ve seen in porn disturbs me., especially when I see women bullied, humiliated, objectified and used like penis receptacles. Most of the porn I’ve seen rarely depicts couples enjoying the hotness and passion of sex that everyday people enjoy in most of the 100 million acts of sexual intercourse that happen on a daily basis. It usually doesn’t depict women enjoying sex in ways they really do. Even on Make Love Not Porn, there are porn actors who share their real-world sex videos, and they’re nothing like the videos they make that are shown on porn sites.
Sure, I like to write about the cheeky and titillating aspects of sex, especially those that pertain to my life and experiences. It’s a big reason why we enjoy sex so much. It’s fun, and at times, funny. It’s what makes us feel good. It’s what makes us feel loved and connected. What’s so bad, embarrassing and shameful about those things?
What I find most odd is that most sex blogs are written by women, yet very few women admit to being sexual beings. Our society labels women like them and me as whores and sluts and accuse us of being morally corrupt. That’s the biggest load of crap I hear on a regular basis. Over 90% of the time, sex involves women … and don’t even get me started on the 50% of our society that passes negative judgment on gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders.
As a sex blogger, I’m often dismayed by the number of adults who feel awkward, inexperienced and self-conscious about sex or are ignorant and misinformed about sex. It’s a big reason why I got #AdultSexMonth off the ground in June. While I enjoy writing about sex, I don’t know everything about sex. I was so thrilled when so many bloggers and readers got behind this project. If you visit the Adult Sex Ed Month Stories by Topic page on my site, you’ll find hundreds of informative stories about sex … from how-to basics to the kinkier aspects of sex.
And why not talk about sex with members of the opposite sex, especially those we’re not intimately involved with? What better way to learn about what the other halves of our sexual experiences are like if we don’t know or care to find out? And, yes, it is possible to have polite, respectful and intelligent and informative conversations about sex with members of the opposite sex. I often do it without being seductive, titillating, arousing.
Regardless of what my mother said and thinks about my Facebook post, I’m leaving it up. As far as I’m concerned she and people like her are the ones who need to hear what Herbenick has to say if they will only open their ears and minds.