Even it feels like forever since you were last in the dating game, things haven’t changed as much as you think. Here are 6 tips to make “getting back out there” a little easier.
If you’re re-entering the dating game after being out of it for a long time, don’t fret: No matter how long it’s been since you were single, you can navigate the new waters like a pro and find the partner you’ve been looking for.
But first, there are a few things you should be aware of. Read on to discover exactly what you need to know about dating later in life, whether you’re simply looking to dip your toes in the water or are ready to dive into a new relationship head first.
1. Choose the Right Online Dating App for You
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Believe it or not, Tinder can be a great place for older singles to meet, says Jenni Skyler, PhD, director of The Intimacy Institute for Sex and Relationship Therapy in Boulder, Colorado. And it’s not just for hooking up: Dr. Skyler says that many of her patients have had more luck finding a relationship on Tinder than through other online dating sites and apps.
Julie Spira, online dating expert and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert, agrees that Tinder has become more accessible to singles in their forties and beyond. “While Tinder still does have a sizable millennial-aged user base, the demographic is starting to grow,” she says. “If you set your preferences, you’ll match with singles in your age range, and won’t have to spend a lot of time swiping left on profiles of users 20 years younger than yourself.”
Spira also recommends other apps, such as Match, Bumble, and Hinge, for 40-something singles. Both Match and the Match Group's 50-plus dating app, OurTime, are great places for singles 45 to 50-plus to connect and meet, she says. With Bumble, women send the first message once a mutual match is confirmed. Hinge is a nonswiping dating app that started out targeting millennials, but once word got out that the app is for singles looking for a meaningful relationship, the app started to attract older singles who aren’t interested in hookups. If you’re interested in exploring online dating, Spira also recommends making sure you have a high-quality, recent profile photo where you’re smiling and look happy.
2. Be Open to Doing New Things and Meeting New People
Ian Kerner, PhD, a psychotherapist and sex therapist in New York City, says being positive and open to meeting new people is key, as is looking for potential partners with common interests. “Make friends who are also single, and find activities that you’re really interested in. I have patients who joined cycling, archery, poetry groups … find new passions and interests and stay in seeking mode,” he suggests.
To stay focused on finding the right person, make a list of the qualities you want in a mate, adds Skyler. “Doing so is a great way to balance your head and heart,” she says.
3. Have Kids? Your Ideal Partner Probably Does, Too
If one of you has children, it can be helpful if the other does too, regardless of their ages, says Skyler. “There’s this understanding that your kids come first,” she explains. When one person has kids and the other doesn’t, issues like jealousy and power struggles can arise.
And don’t be afraid to mention your children in your online dating profile, says Spira. “If your family is important to you, it’s best to talk about it in your profile,” she explains. Spira advises writing something like: “I’m proud of my two adult children, now 23 and 25, who are independent and living on their own,” which shows your strong family values. However, avoid posting only group photos, which might send the signal that there’s no room in your life for a relationship, she warns.
4. You Still Need to Have the Sex Talk
You may be a little bit shy about beginning a sexual relationship with someone new, but you still need to communicate before you hit the sheets. “You need to talk about your sexual health, your desires, and what your boundaries are,” says Skyler. Doing so will make both of you more comfortable — and the conversation is an indicator that you’re ready to take the relationship to the next level. Bonus: A study published in March 2019 in the journal Sexual Medicine found that frequent sexual activity can mean a more enjoyable life for older adults.
5. It’s a Good Idea to Examine Past Relationships
“If you’re divorced, it’s for a reason,” says Skyler. “Maybe the sex got bad or you grew apart, but there were valid problems.” To avoid making the same mistakes twice, it’s beneficial to reflect on previous relationships and notice patterns in your behavior — for example, maybe you always shut down at the first hint of criticism, or you tend to get jealous easily. Taking a hard look at yourself and your former relationships will help you reverse bad habits and find a relationship that works.
6. Erectile Dysfunction at an Older Age Is Normal
Men in their fifties and beyond may need a little extra time and stimulation to get an erection, notes Skyler. And while that’s totally normal, “having erection issues can make men shy away from dating or rely on taking Viagra more than they need to,” she explains. She advises her male clients to have an open conversation with their partner. Keep it light and playful by saying something like, "Even though my penis is sometimes slow to the join the party, when it does, it will be well worth the wait."
Tuesday, 29 December 2020