Are you an independent, smart single woman who is dating and looking for love? If so, you’ve likely been challenged with how to respond when a man pisses you off. You know…when he says or does something that really gets you mad.
It’s bound to happen.
What are realistic expectations? What should you tolerate? I get asked this question in many forms.
WE RECOMMEND THE VIDEO: How long stay SINGLE in life by Dating FAQs | What impacts do relationships have on your life
Singlevsdating #datingfaqs #datelife how long should you stay single, here is the answer by dating faqs. Video title: how long stay single in life by dating ...
Consider the situation of my client, Christine. During her coaching session, she complained that a man she connected with online has been calling her after 10 p.m. She thought that was rude. (So do I.) She wakes up at 5 a.m., and it was affecting her sleep. As her coach, she asked me if I thought she should say something to him. Instead of taking action she was hesitant because she didn’t want to scare him away.
So I asked her: How would you deal with a girlfriend who kept calling at that hour? Her instant response was, “I’d talk to her and let her know that it wasn’t okay!”
There you go. It seems so clear if it’s a girlfriend, right? So why wouldn’t you respond the same way with a man you’re dating? This is a reasonable boundary. It’s intrusive behavior that affects your quality of life–not to mention it screams booty call.
It can be confusing. On the one hand, you have a strong desire to be liked and finally find The One. On the other hand, you are a confident woman who doesn’t want to put up with nonsense or be a pushover.
Here is how that conflict can look in real life: The part of you that wants to be liked accepts all sorts of silliness and disrespect, while the other part of you judges quickly and bails out the first time he pisses you off.
When we date we tend to make our experiences all about him instead of ourselves.
Does he like me? Did I say the right thing to him? What will he do next?
Christine’s dilemma had very little to do with him; he was going to do what he was going to do. Rather, it was about her personal needs and whether she was going to take care of herself; even if it meant he left.
Setting personal boundaries is a constant. Having your “must-haves” honored should be expected of any relationship. There is no reason to make exceptions because he’s a guy and you’re afraid you’ll scare him off. If it’s something important enough to ask a girlfriend to do differently, then you probably want to address it with him.
So…what can she do? If she goes with the side of her that wants to find a partner, she can simply accept his behavior. If she chooses the side that never wants to act like a desperate dater, she can dump him.
Or…she can realize there is another choice. Do what you would do with your girlfriend: tell him it’s not okay.
Here is the simple phrase I suggested Christine use to tell him what she would like: “Joe, I like you and I’m interested in getting to know you…but I work early so I don’t take calls after 9 p.m. If you want to get in touch, please call before that. I hope that works for you.” Direct, yet kind and non-demanding, right?
Whether we admit it or not, wanting to be liked is a huge part of the dating process. I think it’s important to clarify, though, that you want to be liked by the right men.
When you politely tell Joe to please not call after 9, he can honor it or not. But you have honored yourself.
This really is pretty simple: take care of yourself with men the same way you do with your friends. A man doesn’t get a pass just because he’s hot and you really want to hook up. By the same token, there is no need to be demanding or critical; just ask and let him decide what he’s willing to do.
Men are most definitely special but don’t be fooled into thinking they don’t have to live up to your reasonable expectations. When a man pisses you off, let him know. And like your friends, the good guys will respect you when you take care of yourself.
- Niesha May 14, 2020, 4:39 pm
this was a very good website especially for those who are going through hard times in marriages and relationships
Dear Bobbi,
Thank you so much for your super valuable offerings. You articulate so well in describing the ins and out of the dating process and are helping me navigate through what feels like a man/woman minefield.
I met a man 13 years my senior two weeks ago at a singles night. I felt an attraction to him which was mutual, and we talked and danced all night and had so much fun. I really liked the feeling of being able to be myself around him.
He was a bit forward for my liking though in regards to making comments about a particular dance move that involved the woman on the guys leg (way too sexual) and then when a slow dance came on he commented about smooching (again way too sexual). At the time I expressed to him my reservations about the slow dance and that I would be willing but I’m not comfortable with smooching. He laughed it off and said he didn’t mean we would be smooching. But that didn’t land in me as being genuine tbh.
He asked me if I was ok a few times on the dancefloor which I appreciated but felt a bit confused about and he asked me if I felt smothered by him. Which on this first date I didn’t. I was enjoying his fun and silliness on the dance floor and some great conversations.
Then on another song the mc said, whoever you are dancing with kiss them. I was uncomfortable as hell and awkwardly offered my cheek.
At the end of the night when we were leaving I told him that I wanted to take things slow as in the past I’ve tended to rush and he said he has been the same.
Then when we said goodbye in the carpark, I asked if he would like a hug which he did but he went too far and snuggled into my neck and stole a kiss when I felt like I was very obviously not wanting that level of closeness.
2nd date, same venue, singles night with music.
We danced a lot together and I was happy to do slow dances but then he goes and grabs my arse, again quickly retracting when I shook my head at him and pulled a face. He minimised it by saying he was just showing me what our male friend did to him when they were being silly.
And at one point got intense and wanted to kiss me, but I wasn’t in that place at all.
3rd date, just the two of us met at the beach carpark to do some gentle yoga stretching and chat.
He was way too close to me as we started to do yoga so I asked him to move back a bit as I needed a bit more space, which he did. Then during yoga he commented on being distracted by me. I was well clothed and not putting out those vibes at all. Feeling invaded.
Then he keeps touching me, all the damn time. So I said to him I am not comfortable being touched all the time. Again I didn’t feel heard in the way I needed, he just pulls back, makes the comment that he is a touchy feely guy (which brings up guilt for me), then says he’s a bit scared now. But then energetically is all over me (I hope that makes sense) and goes on to touch me again then apologizes. He calls me doll and love and he said that he can’t change that, it’s part of his upbringing and culture. But I don’t like that either. It feels impersonal and reminds me of a guy that is used to sweet talking girls and treating them like commodities.
I take responsibility for mixed messages, like being super engaged in conversation, laughing and having loads of fun on the first night. Communicating that I liked him and wanted to get to know him better. 2nd night more dancing, closer slow dances and holding hands to the dance floor. But I didn’t feel closer to him on this 2nd night, on the contrary I felt a bit more removed.
What I would have preferred from him is really listening to my boundary around touch and inquiring as to what would be ok for me. Taking an interest in that rather than defending himself. If it was the other way around (which it wouldn’t be btw) I would feel bad if someone said ‘hey, there is too much touching for my comfort level’. I would hear that persons feelings, empathise with them and enquire as to what would work for them within the context of getting to know them. Because I would want them to feel safe and comfortable with me.
I don’t feel safe and comfortable with him atm. And he keeps saying the words ‘you can trust me’ ‘I’m not like that’ ‘you can feel safe with me’ and I don’t!
It feels like I am being railroaded and manipulated.
I admit I didn’t read your entire comment but it’s easy to know what’s going on. You’re being manipulated my friend. NO MEANS NO. When you tell a man not to tough you IN ANY WAY and he does anything other than respect your wish 100%…RUN. Period. I hope you listen to me Jay. SAY NO and mean it. Hugs. Bp
This is really good. “A man doesn’t get a pass because he’s hot”–love this.
Thanks. I kinda like it too (if I do say so myself). Bp