Dear Ms. Quote,
After saying “good riddance” to a 10-year marriage, I’m dating again. I have no problem finding dates online, but do all men expect to get laid on a first date?
I’m cute (or at least I try to be and think I am) and I love to flirt and have fun, but I swear that every man takes those things as cues to go back to his or my place before the end of the night.
Am I doing something wrong or should I just give up on dating?
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Sexy but not Slutty
For your first and most important question: Not all men, but a lot of them.
In the past, I had a poor track record of meeting men online and met a lot of guys like the ones that you described. One in particular comes to mind.
Carlos* and I lived in the same neighborhood. Within the first email, he suggested that we meet for a beer at a bar down the street. At first, I tried to beg off. I got home from work late and I really wasn’t physically or mentally up for going out, but he talked me into it.
We met at the bar, had a beer (well, I had about ¾ of bottle), and shared a few laughs. Within 45 minutes, he said, “Let’s go back to your place.”
I gave him a WTF look and said, “You don’t even know my last name.”
He actually had the balls to say, “Is that important?”
The conversation went on longer than it should have. He went on to say that he just wanted a woman he could see once in a while just to fuck. I told him that I wanted something different than that.
He told me, “Good luck with that.”
I put enough cash on the table to pay for my drink and tip, and went back to my place … by myself.
It took me a while to figure out where I was going wrong, but this is what I figured out …
1. Some sites are well known for being hookup sites than dating sites. I won’t name any of those sites by name, but they’re free sites.
2. Any guy who’s in a big hurry to meet you, especially the same day, usually just to get laid … ASAP.
3. Beware of men who pressure you to share more pictures than the ones in your dating site profile, especially if they’re insistent on full body shots.
4. Avoid men who want to talk about sex in email or a phone call before you meet them in person. In other words, don’t engage in conversations that you wouldn’t with someone that you meet in person for the first time.
You may also want to reconsider how you come off as cute. Do you show up for first dates in a short, low-cut dress and fuck-me pumps? What’s your idea of flirting? Smiling when he does or says something charming or funny or leashing out a string of double entendres? What’s your idea of fun? It could be that you’re giving off some non-verbal cues that make men believe you want to get laid on a first date, too.
If you’re a reader of my blog, you know that I’m not a prude. I’m a firm believer that great sex is part of a great relationship. I realize the term “relationship” usually refers to committed couples, but relationships do start somewhere. They start after a point in time after you know if you really like someone, if you share things in common (besides interlocking body parts), the other person has behaviors and a lifestyle that don’t bug the shit out of you, and most importantly, you treat each other kindly and think of each other as friends.
These things take time … a couple of weeks or a month or two. Any man who responds to that with the comment, “I don’t have time to play games,” is playing the biggest game and is bound to lose.
You might want to slow things down a bit, too. You say that you “have no problem finding dates online.” No woman should. Men typically outnumber women on dating sites by 3-1. Take your time. Be picky. You don’t have to have every weekend night lined up with a date … especially if they’re bad dates.
There are men who want a relationship and great sex. Many of them are friends of mine and are readers of my site. I won’t say that you‘ll have no problem finding one, but I will say, “Good luck with that,” in the nicest and most encouraging way.
Any man who thinks he’s entitled to get laid after shelling out $5 for a beer or $100 for a dinner is wasting his money. If not knowing what a woman’s last name before getting her in the sack isn’t important, then spend the money on a pro. At least he’ll get what he pays for … especially he has no intention of calling that woman again.
Ms. Q
*Name is changed to protect the not-so innocent.
Got a question for me? Email me at msquote2(at)hotmail(dot)com.