Sexual health isn’t the easiest topic to discuss with your children, but talking about it is a key part of keeping them healthy and safe. These tips can encourage good communication at any stage.
Our first job as parents is to keep our children alive and safe. We readily teach them to keep fingers out of electrical sockets and to look both ways before crossing. But when it comes to providing kids with some basic information about sexual health, many parents feel hesitant and embarrassed. As a result, they may avoid the subject entirely.
Embarrassed or not, it’s your responsibility to talk about the subject with your kids anyway, says Laura Berman, PhD, a sex and relationship educator in Chicago and Los Angeles and author of Talking to Your Kids about Sex: Turning “The Talk” Into a Conversation for Life. You can also provide them with accurate, youth-friendly materials to read in print or online. If you don’t, your kids may well “learn” about sex from sources that aren’t exactly reliable.
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“One in 5 American teens has sex by age 15. And 1 in 4 teenage girls in the United States has an STD,” Dr. Berman cautions parents. She not only warns parents of the serious consequences of ignorance. She also cites positive reasons for discussing sex with youngsters. ”Preparing your child for a healthy sexual future is one of the best gifts you can give him or her,” she says.
These conversations can be challenging, though, and it’s good to know about missteps to avoid. Here’s some expert advice.
Don’t Wait Too Long to Start Talking About Sex
“Parents can start early by talking about sex and sexual health to ensure that kids have accurate information,” says Julie Dombrowski, MD, MPH, an associate professor of medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle. Children and teens who have ongoing talks about sex with their parents and caregivers take fewer risk with their sexual health, research has shown. They are more likely to avoid unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). A child is never too young to talk about certain aspects of sex.
Very young children can learn the correct names for the parts of their bodies. You can also discuss with them the need for people be honest about their feelings and to be kind and respectful of other peoples’ feelings. These are basic lessons for good sexual relationships, that you can build on later.
If you do start these conversations early, don’t be surprised if your child becomes more reticent as they approach puberty. Nonetheless, plan to revisit the subject of sex and sexual health often, in an age-appropriate manner, as the kids grow up.
And if you didn’t start early, don’t let that keep you from talking with your kids now. There’s no use regretting past mistakes. “It’s never … too late to start talking with your kid about sex and relationships,” advises Planned Parenthood.
Don’t Pretend You’re Cool, Calm, and Collected About Discussing Sex if You’re Not
It’s better to admit to your own feelings, even if you feel awkward. That way, you’re modeling emotional honesty for your child, as well as doing the right thing even when it’s not necessarily the easy thing.
Here’s some language you can adapt in such a situation, suggested by Karen Rayne, PhD, author of GIRL: Love, Sex, Romance and Being You and a sex educator in Austin, Texas. “You can begin the conversation with, ‘This is going to be awkward, but we’re going to talk about it anyway because it’s important,’” says Dr. Rayne.
Your task, says Rayne, is to normalize talking about sex and to give kids a space where they can ask anything.
Don’t Forget That Your Kids Will Do Their Own Research
“Make sure your kids know where to get [reliable] information without talking to you,” says Dr. Dombrowski. Steer them to trustworthy, easy-to-use websites. Good sites include Planned Parenthood and I Wanna Know, a kid-friendly site offered by the American Sexual Health Association. You can also pick up a good book or some pamphlets at a community health center or Planned Parenthood site to leave lying around where the kids can’t miss them. Leave out some condoms too, suggests Dombrowski.
Help Your Pediatrician Promote Your Child’s Sexual Health
Parents aren’t the only ones who have trouble discussing sex with youngsters, revealed a survey conducted in 2017 by Quest Diagnostics. Doctors aren’t doing so well discussing sexual health with young patients either.
According to the survey, the youngest sexually active female patients, ages 15 to 17, felt most awkward talking about their sexual history, and these teens were the least likely to be truthful with their doctors about their sex lives. At the same time, doctors proved to be less likely to discuss STD testing with these young women and thus were less likely to conduct STD tests for them. Yet these young women are at exceptionally high risk for STDs.
Make it easier for your child’s doctor to have these important conversations with your child. Consider calling before an office visit to specifically ask the doctor to talk with your child about their sexuality and how to stay safe. Ask your doctor to address both contraception and avoiding STDs. Don’t interfere if your child’s doctor wants to speak with him or her privately.
Mothers often create barriers in this realm, says Damian P. Alagia, III, MD, medical director of women’s health for Quest Diagnostics in Washington, DC. Having a mother present through the whole office visit can aggravate the tendency these teens have to hide the truth about their sex lives. This in turn keeps the doctor from getting the facts needed to order appropriate STD tests and, if needed, to plan treatment.
Let your teen’s doctor know that you do want sexual health on the agenda during office visits, and then give the doctor private time and space to talk with your youngster, advises Dr. Alagia.
Do Discuss Biology and Safe Sex Practices, But Don’t Ignore Feelings and Values
Discussions about sex should address your hopes and expectations for your child and your family’s values, experts say, even though you can’t dictate your child’s choices. If you want your child to behave responsibly as a sexual being and to be kind and respectful to both themselves and their partners, say so. Teach them the importance of boundaries and clarity with sexual partners.
A good age for a talk about relevant values is about 11 or 12, advises Berman. For openers, she advises, you might say, “You are starting to grow up now and become an adult, and you may face some adult decisions soon, including ones about love and sex. In our family, we believe in waiting to have sex [until you are older, or perhaps until you are deeply in love, or until you are married]. Waiting isn’t always easy, but I know it’s something you won’t regret doing.”
“Let your child know that being responsible means more than just using a condom,” says Berman. “It means being responsible for your own heart and your emotions and the heart and emotions of your partner.”
Let Your Child Know They Can Expect to Make Mistakes
Remind your child that we all make mistakes, in all spheres of life, including sex. Perhaps their mistake will be having unprotected sex. Let them know that they can always get tested for an STD in such a situation, and treated if necessary. Also explain that there are medications that can prevent pregnancy after unprotected sex.
Help your kids understand that, in their sex lives as in all other aspects of their lives, mistakes are opportunities for them to grow and learn and do better next time.